If you remember, I’m that girl. The girl who quit her job on her first day back from maternity leave.
Yep. That’s me.
I, like so many other mommas, walked out of my office last October with every intention of returning post-baby. And then I, like so many other mommas intoxicated by the smell of their newborn and practically dripping in postpartum hormones, go and call my boss ten weeks later to quit on the spot.
So typical, so naive. If there was an office pool betting on the probability of my butt showing up at my desk after two months away, it’s safe to say that more than a few of my co-workers hit the jackpot.
It’s been one year since I last set foot in the working world… and I struggle with that fact on a daily basis.
Of course I am so incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to stay home with my daughter. What momma wouldn’t be? Raising D, and seeing her grow as a little human every day, is the most difficult and most rewarding thing I could ever do. But aside from all of the cliche sunshine and rainbows you would expect, I wrestle daily with the issue of my own self worth.
I have a college degree and a decent amount of work experience, yet I don’t contribute financially to my family. In fact, I don’t use my skill set at all outside of this little (not profitable) blog. I’m a terrible housewife, a lousy cook and I would rather poke my eyeball out than go to the grocery store with a toddler. I feel like I’m failing at something every single day, and it isn’t a great feeling.
I always wanted to be a SAHM, but I was completely unprepared for the way being “unemployed” would make me feel. It’s been shocking, to be quite honest. If my husband tries to be the head of our household (how dare he!), I automatically feel like I’m being attacked for not working. Sometimes I feel as if I’m less of a person, or that others look down on me, all because I’m not logging billable hours. I have actually regretted my decision on countless occasions, and I never, ever expected to.
I know how ridiculous it all sounds. I could simply go back to work, right? Oh, but here’s the kicker…
I don’t want to.
You know how the first year of marriage is always the hardest? Be honest. It totally is. Well, I’m beginning to think that the first year of being a SAHM is also the hardest. I’ve made it this far, and I’ve convinced myself that it will only get better from here. I may not be the best mom, but I’m the only mom my daughter has. I have this amazing opportunity to be with her every day, and I want to take advantage of it while I can.
But, how do I shake this feeling of worthlessness?
So that’s why I’m throwing it out to you, mommas. Did you struggle with your own self worth after making the decision to stay home? How did you know you made the right decision, either way? What do you do to feel like you contribute?