We’re all familiar with my Betty Crocker-ness… or lack thereof. If not, check it here and here. So, it’s probably no surprise to any of you that Santa Claus will not be getting cookies from the Cotten house this year. He’ll be lucky to get anything at this point. Here’s why:
You must have to attend a year-long program taught by Martha freaking Stewart to figure out how to make a simple batch of cookies.
In the last two weeks I have attempted to make four different batches of cookies as practice for jolly St. Nick.
Not a single one turned out.
Batch #1: I went all gung-ho and bought cookie cutters, sprinkles, and all the ingredients to make homemade sugar cookies. I thought surely I could handle something as simple as sugar cookies. I mean, I do have a college degree and all.
My dough was somewhere between too dry and too wet (and no, that does not mean it was perfect). For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what to do to it to make it work. So I dumped it in the trash and chalked it up to being a baking failure.
Batch #2: I was going to give up at this point, but my cookie-loving Santa gave me a pep talk. I tried the same recipe again, and actually got a lot farther…
…too bad they tasted like reindeer crap.
Batch #3: After getting advice from other mommas on Instagram, I went the bake-and-break route. And yes, I actually practiced making chocolate chip bake-and-breaks.
And I burnt them.
Batch #4: Feeling confident in the lessons I learned from the first bake-and-break practice, I decided to whip up a few dozen sugar cookies for Christmas with my in-laws last night. I was doing so well – I followed the directions exactly. Like, there should have been no way I could mess these up.
And then the cookies spread out super freaking thin in the oven and were impossible to get off the pan. Also, they tasted terrible. Maybe something is wrong with my oven?
Oh, and then my brother-in-law walks in with made-from-scratch tiramisu cookies that were OMG.to.die.for. Thanks, Trace.
Wth. Do you know anyone else who can mess up cookies this many times?! I’m headed to Kroger to buy pre-made cookies and ingredients for this “so easy there is no way I can mess this up” fudge recipe. Judge away.
What will Santa find at your house this year? Anyone else contemplating leaving Santa a veggie tray with soy milk, a la The Santa Clause?