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Finding My New Normal

Rants

8 Jan

photo(22)

It’s 2:30 p.m. on a random Thursday in January, and I’m drinking a glass of wine while my kid kicks the wall from her crib because she’s clearly not napping today.

Wait. It is Thursday, right?

All I wanted to do today was get out of this freaking house. I wanted to have plans, for a change. I wanted to feel connected to the outside world in a way that would remind me what stupid day of the week it is. Maybe have an adult conversation with a cashier, or a random person in line. I wanted something miniscule and mostly irrelevant to look forward to. I just wanted to have a typical day like when we lived at 485 – where I could forget that my family now lives in the middle of nowhere, away from all of our friends.

I just wanted to roam Target.

I just wanted to savor a venti chai latte from Starbucks.

I just wanted to dream about my next DIY project in the aisles of Hobby Lobby.

I just wanted to have a nice little lunch date with my daughter at McAllisters.
(And a spud, because God I miss those spuds.)

Petty of me? Maybe. But this morning I decided I was going to make my little day of former normalcy happen. I bundled us both up to brave the arctic that is now central Indiana, strapped us into the car, and made the 40 minute drive to the nearest point of civilization.

Our trip ended before noon, with both of us in tears. Toddler meltdowns + mommy meltdowns = bad news bears.

Motherhood is rough, and frankly I have been struggling lately. My life, as I used to know it, no longer exists. Most days feel like Groundhog’s Day, and I’m constantly spinning my wheels. Where am I going? To make things worse, I am clawing for every shred of what used to make me me, because I no longer recognize myself.

In the last 14 months I have made a lot of sacrifices for the good of my family – giving pieces of myself away. I gave birth, for starters. I quit my job to instead raise our daughter. I agreed to uproot our entire lives and move closer to family so that our daughter and future children can have a strong relationship with their grandparents. We’re doing the right thing, of that I am confident, but never once did I consider how these sacrifices would make me feel until after the damage had been done, so to speak.

And if we’re all being honest here, I haven’t felt so hot.

Many nights over the last several months have been spent with me in an emotional mess, and my poor husband doing everything he can to give me the world. “Take a solo vacation to find yourself,” he says. “Go back to work, if you want. Need an afternoon off to get a pedicure? Go for it.” He’s offering everything he can to help me feel happy in my own skin again, but unfortunately I don’t even know what I need because I have no idea who I am anymore.

Dorothy’s mommy?
Courtny’s wife?
Am I not more than that?
Should I be?
I just don’t know.

My life is different. I am different. And I’m just in the beginning stages of embracing it even after all these months. I must redefine myself, at least in my own mind, because I’m letting the good in my life pass me by. What are my passions? What is my drive? Motherhood has stripped me raw, as it does to the best of us, but I can’t let my best role in life take away me.

I’m consciously slowing down. I’m finding what I have lost along the way…

…and picking up the pieces to a new normal.

—

Tell me you’ve been there. How has your life changed recently, and what steps did you take to adjust? What makes you more?

 

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Comments

  1. Anna says

    January 8, 2015 at 6:31 pm

    You could say a few things have changed here. Working fulltime as a nightshift ICU nurse, getting deathly ill for 8 months– depending on people for everything, being forced to quit the nursing job and embarking on a new employment, and getting engaged will uproar all emotions.

    One of the best ways to help me adjust has been to start a list of things I’m grateful for–puts a better twist to the new circumstances.

    Reply
  2. Val says

    January 8, 2015 at 6:44 pm

    You are really in tune with your thoughts emotions so you have that going for you. You will find a new you and then again and again. Being a mom for me means constantly reinventing myself as my children grow up and their needs change. Whether its them giving up their one and only nap (aka your only down time–which i literally almost came unglued over that milestone. Like total mental case crazy. Like I didnt even know how to go on being “me” with no naptime downtime) or that first time you drop them off school and you wonder around feeling lost/empty/scared/not needed etc for those few hours. It’s an on going “find yourself” battle but somehow you will always land on your feet-especially when you are trying and as tune with yourself as you are.

    Reply
  3. Jamie says

    January 8, 2015 at 6:58 pm

    You’re a great mom and you have to remember that things have the potential to get so much better. (And so much worse, think the Tyrannical Three’s)

    I moved to Central, IL just after my first was born, without the husband temporarily, so that we could raise our kids with the family rather than “alone” in Indy. I got a new job that was so much different than I ever expected. Changed jobs again two years later, the day after I had kid #2. We moved five times in just over 5 years and lived in two temporary locations in between the moves. I’ve never felt so out of sorts.

    Life is better however with my in-laws help with the kids. We always have a sitter. My kids know the pure love of their grandparents. It was really hard some days to live in the middle of nowhere…but looking back now it was the right thing to move. With time, I met like-minded people in Decatur, and now I even have a job I love. You may need to look at more blogging opportunities or other opportunities to carve out your identity away from Dot’s Mommy. It will be good for both of you.

    Reply
  4. Andi Gayle says

    January 9, 2015 at 2:26 pm

    I had very similar feelings about missing my old life, friends, and activities when I moved from Bloomington up here…and then I also stopped working. I joined a mom’s group and a group at church and both have helped me have more things to do and make new friends. Maybe try to find two groups close to home….one where Dorothy is welcome and one just for you. You can always drive to see your friends…but it’s nice to have some that are close as well. I think winter is the hardest time because there is less happening in the community, and it’s so cold you can’t be outside as easily.

    Try to be patient. Making new friends and adjusting to a new place takes time.

    Reply
  5. Crystal says

    January 12, 2015 at 9:02 pm

    This resonates with me SO MUCH. My oldest started school this year, the youngest started preschool, and I just…I dunno. I felt detached from everything.

    Stay strong. Hold on tight to your wine glass through the bad days. Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts your way!

    Reply
  6. Katelyn Fagan says

    January 14, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    This is so beautifully written. I totally hear you. Motherhood does strip you raw. I started motherhood with a lot of changes too – full time student to stay at home mom, moved across the country, stuck at home during the day as we only had one car, no money to get a needed getaway, and didn’t really know anyone. Oh, and I had twins. I was lonely. I had no idea what my purpose was past “mother.” I had lost so much of what I had thought made me, me.

    It took a while for me to adjust, for sure. Moving to a place, and a church family, with more people in a similar situation as me really helped. Having a monthly book club helped. Having things just for me to do, from a good book, to an art project, to a new homemaking goal, all helped. I just needed something to give me a purpose that was solely for me. And I also needed regular social interaction. I joined a weekly, large, playgroup that I greatly looked forward to. I reached out to people and invited them to my house, even though it was a small apartment. And lately, I have turned my blog into a real business which gives me so Mich purpose, drive, and now even income.

    Best of luck. Time will help, but so will some great friends, and a new project.

    Reply

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Hey there, I'm Samantha. Recovering SAHM, and aspiring competitive dance mom. I have a passion for travel, am known to say it like it is, and I most certainly do not have it all together. Currently on a journey toward self love and discovery. Join me. 2021 | Bloom

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This is the difference a year makes. ⬇️ 30 l This is the difference a year makes. 

⬇️ 30 lbs. ⬆️ Healthy habits. ⬇️ 4 in. of hair. ⬆️ Strength. ➕ A tattoo & a ton of self love. 

I never knew I could be this person. I’m not super athletic. I have never dieted or counted calories. I never considered myself or my health. I always have watched other women make big physical changes in their lives, but I have never felt like I was capable to do the same.

If you’re reading this, and feel the same way I used to, trust me. 

You can. 💜

(1. January 2020, 2. June 2020 (100 rides), 3. January 2021 (200 rides))

#empoweringwomen #peloton #pelotonweightloss #pelotonbike #loveyourself #fitness #fitnessjourney #cottentales #blogger #momofgirls #momsofinstagram #momblogger #lifestyleblogger #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #selfcare #selflove #selflovejourney #pelotonmom #pelotoncommunity #lovesquad #boocrew #uncomfortable #bloom
NEW POST: What I've Found in the Dark Call it cli NEW POST: What I've Found in the Dark

Call it cliche, but I have a word to live by this year. If I'm being honest, it actually means a lot to me. I even have some semblance of "resolutions," which are really just mantras I plan to manifest into reality... and so far I think it's working.

What's your word for 2021? What are your goals, mantras, or resolutions for this year? Let me know in the comments. 🌸 Link in bio.

#cottentales #lifestyleblogger #mommyblogger #travelblogger #newyear #2021 #quitlikeawoman #momofgirls #blogger #bloggersofinstagram #momsofinstagram #bloom #bloomwhereyouareplanted #peloton #pelotonbike #resolutions #mantra #healthyhabits #newpost #blogging
L: 12/26/2019, aka my 32nd birthday R: 01/08/2021, L: 12/26/2019, aka my 32nd birthday
R: 01/08/2021, or today. 

My husband took that first photo. He was being nice, and trying to celebrate my birthday. I never told him I hated it. I looked heavy, because I was. My skin was terrible - red, broken out, etc. I was anxious, and stressed (ha! The days before 2020!), and it very obviously showed.

Today I’m in the best shape since high school, which blows my mind. I am actively working every day on my skincare, my mental health, and my reactions. Do I mess up? All the time. This week even, I made major mistakes that affect more than just myself. It’s a constant work, but it’s worth doing. 

I see growth. I see a woman who is starting to feel uncomfortable, and that’s a good thing. Whatever goals you have, or path you’re attempting to journey this year, keep going. Don’t let setbacks end your fight. You can do this. 💪🏻

(Also, both daughters saw me make this image this morning. Both thought I was pregnant in the photo on the left. I definitely was not.😳)

#selflove #selfcare #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #peloton #pelotonmoms #cottentales #blogger #lifestyleblogger #travelblogger #momsofinstagram #momofgirls #bloom #keepgoing #pelotonweightloss #loveyourself
Two years ago, Santa followed us to Eleuthera. Las Two years ago, Santa followed us to Eleuthera. Last year, we danced our way to 2020 on the island. Christmas just doesn’t feel the same this year without the ocean. 🌊

#whitesandchristmas #eleuthera #eleutherabahamas #bahamas #christmas #ocean #momofgirls #mommyblog #lifestyleblog #travelblogger #cottentales
Mentally, I’m here. 🌊 #eleuthera #bahamas # Mentally, I’m here. 🌊 

#eleuthera #bahamas #travelblogger #lifestyleblogger #momblogger #cottentales #travel #nye2019
This is 100 @onepeloton rides vs. 178. This is 159 This is 100 @onepeloton rides vs. 178. This is 159 lbs. vs. 129 lbs. This is broken and lost vs. strong and healing. 

I was so proud of myself in that first photo, and I’m still proud of that Samantha. Steps to a better you will slowly become strides. Thanks to her, now I’m taking flight. ❤️ #selflove #selfcare #peloton #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #pelotonweightloss #pelotonmom #momofgirls #lifestyleblogger #momsofinstagram #momblogger #loveyourself #cottentales
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This is the difference a year makes. ⬇️ 30 l This is the difference a year makes. 

⬇️ 30 lbs. ⬆️ Healthy habits. ⬇️ 4 in. of hair. ⬆️ Strength. ➕ A tattoo & a ton of self love. 

I never knew I could be this person. I’m not super athletic. I have never dieted or counted calories. I never considered myself or my health. I always have watched other women make big physical changes in their lives, but I have never felt like I was capable to do the same.

If you’re reading this, and feel the same way I used to, trust me. 

You can. 💜

(1. January 2020, 2. June 2020 (100 rides), 3. January 2021 (200 rides))

#empoweringwomen #peloton #pelotonweightloss #pelotonbike #loveyourself #fitness #fitnessjourney #cottentales #blogger #momofgirls #momsofinstagram #momblogger #lifestyleblogger #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #selfcare #selflove #selflovejourney #pelotonmom #pelotoncommunity #lovesquad #boocrew #uncomfortable #bloom
NEW POST: What I've Found in the Dark Call it cli NEW POST: What I've Found in the Dark

Call it cliche, but I have a word to live by this year. If I'm being honest, it actually means a lot to me. I even have some semblance of "resolutions," which are really just mantras I plan to manifest into reality... and so far I think it's working.

What's your word for 2021? What are your goals, mantras, or resolutions for this year? Let me know in the comments. 🌸 Link in bio.

#cottentales #lifestyleblogger #mommyblogger #travelblogger #newyear #2021 #quitlikeawoman #momofgirls #blogger #bloggersofinstagram #momsofinstagram #bloom #bloomwhereyouareplanted #peloton #pelotonbike #resolutions #mantra #healthyhabits #newpost #blogging
L: 12/26/2019, aka my 32nd birthday R: 01/08/2021, L: 12/26/2019, aka my 32nd birthday
R: 01/08/2021, or today. 

My husband took that first photo. He was being nice, and trying to celebrate my birthday. I never told him I hated it. I looked heavy, because I was. My skin was terrible - red, broken out, etc. I was anxious, and stressed (ha! The days before 2020!), and it very obviously showed.

Today I’m in the best shape since high school, which blows my mind. I am actively working every day on my skincare, my mental health, and my reactions. Do I mess up? All the time. This week even, I made major mistakes that affect more than just myself. It’s a constant work, but it’s worth doing. 

I see growth. I see a woman who is starting to feel uncomfortable, and that’s a good thing. Whatever goals you have, or path you’re attempting to journey this year, keep going. Don’t let setbacks end your fight. You can do this. 💪🏻

(Also, both daughters saw me make this image this morning. Both thought I was pregnant in the photo on the left. I definitely was not.😳)

#selflove #selfcare #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #peloton #pelotonmoms #cottentales #blogger #lifestyleblogger #travelblogger #momsofinstagram #momofgirls #bloom #keepgoing #pelotonweightloss #loveyourself
Two years ago, Santa followed us to Eleuthera. Las Two years ago, Santa followed us to Eleuthera. Last year, we danced our way to 2020 on the island. Christmas just doesn’t feel the same this year without the ocean. 🌊

#whitesandchristmas #eleuthera #eleutherabahamas #bahamas #christmas #ocean #momofgirls #mommyblog #lifestyleblog #travelblogger #cottentales
Mentally, I’m here. 🌊 #eleuthera #bahamas # Mentally, I’m here. 🌊 

#eleuthera #bahamas #travelblogger #lifestyleblogger #momblogger #cottentales #travel #nye2019
This is 100 @onepeloton rides vs. 178. This is 159 This is 100 @onepeloton rides vs. 178. This is 159 lbs. vs. 129 lbs. This is broken and lost vs. strong and healing. 

I was so proud of myself in that first photo, and I’m still proud of that Samantha. Steps to a better you will slowly become strides. Thanks to her, now I’m taking flight. ❤️ #selflove #selfcare #peloton #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #pelotonweightloss #pelotonmom #momofgirls #lifestyleblogger #momsofinstagram #momblogger #loveyourself #cottentales
NEW POST: Rebranding Samantha I’m focusing a lo NEW POST: Rebranding Samantha

I’m focusing a lot of effort on self love and self discovery right now. But, just how am I perceived by the people around me? Audience determines your brand - what qualities are you projecting, and do they match how you want to be seen? Link in bio. 

#cottentales #personalbranding #rebranding #blogger #lifestyleblogger #mommyblogger #momofgirls #selflove #selfdiscovery #momblogger #travelblogger
I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for alway I’ll love you forever.
I’ll like you for always.
As long as I’m living,
My baby you’ll be. ❤️

My baby turns 7 today, which feels unbelievable in many ways. Dorothy Laura, you make me so proud to be your mommy. 

#dbunny #cottentales #lifestyleblogger #momsofinstagram #momblogger #momofgirls #birthday #7yearsold #firstborn
If I have a life half as full as my grandfather’ If I have a life half as full as my grandfather’s, it will be enough. 

We lost 94 years of memories today, and even though we knew this day was coming it doesn’t make it easier. I’m just so glad my girls could know and love their Papaw Great. 

RIP, Upe. 💛
Have courage, and be kind. ✨ #waltdisneyworld # Have courage, and be kind. ✨

#waltdisneyworld #magickingdom #cinderella #cottentales #cottensisters #lifestyleblogger #momsofinstagram #momblogger #momofgirls #travelblogger #disneysmmc #fallbreak2020 #spontaneous

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