• Inquiries
  • About
  • Travel With Me
  • Nav Social Menu

    • Bloglovin
    • LinkedIn
    • Pinterest
    • Twitter

Cotten Tales

  • MY GIRLS
    • DOROTHY
    • FRANCES
  • MOCO FIXER
  • STITCH FIX

One Year Later

Family

9 May

IMG_0186
One year ago today I was awoken in the early morning hours to the words, “Dad’s dying.”

That incredibly tragic statement marks the beginning of the most difficult day of my life.

Half of my consciousness believed that my husband appearing at the end of our air mattress in the guest room, his campsite for nearly three weeks, was a figment of my exhausted and pregnant brain. I couldn’t even fully finish my first sleepy thought before Courtny had disappeared out the door.

“Of course he’s dying.”

I had spent three days at my father-in-law’s house in Kentucky, but it only took minutes after arriving for me to know that life (as we all knew it) was about to end. Tony, the patriarch of the “Cotten Clan,” was deteriorating rapidly. He was certainly dying, that wasn’t even a question, but none of us knew how long we would have to watch him suffer.

I did everything I could do to help the situation, but distracting my niece and nephew with errands and the NBA Playoffs paled in comparison to the all-night shifts Courtny and my sister-in-law were trading off at Tony’s bedside. Perhaps even more difficult than the physical aspect of dying, was watching a man who was once so thoughtful and joyous morph into someone completely unrecognizable. While I had meaningless conversations over SpongeBob Squarepants, my husband was actively losing his best friend and father little by little.

On that morning, one year ago, I knew my father-in-law was already gone before I made it clumsily down the stairs to his hospital bed in the middle of the living room.

Sheer grief is the most painful emotion to witness, and I was standing in a room full of it. I had promised my 13-year-old niece that I would wake her up if anything happened to her Papaw, but when the time came I didn’t have the heart. I didn’t want the scene to haunt her, like the nightmares my husband now battles. When she confronted me later that morning, long after Tony’s body had been loaded into the back of a hearse, I simply told her, “Sometimes a little white lie is a good thing.”

I have never felt more helpless than when I drove Courtny and his brother back home to Indiana later that afternoon. While I was doing my best to plan our next few days (planning has always been my coping mechanism), my husband sat silently in the passenger seat and wept. It was humbling, knowing that even though I was moving a thousand miles a minute, nothing I did could make it better.

Nothing.

They say time heals all, but even with 365 days to process it is still unbelievable to me that he is gone. A man of only 47 years should, logically, still be with us. He should have been in the waiting room six month ago to meet the first Cotten grandbaby. He should have been there at Christmas, making sure the Grinch didn’t steal all the presents. He should have celebrated the four birthdays our family has had in the past week alone. He should be here today, but he’s not.

We’re at a place now, somewhere past grief but not-quite healed, where we can reflect. I was finally able to give my nieces and nephews their Christmas gifts, Memory Bears I made from Tony’s shirts and ties, just a few weeks ago. I guess that makes them memorial gifts now. Perhaps its a higher power – one that knew we would all need some comfort today. I had planned to sit down and write a silly little DIY post about the bears, but this is what came out. Almost like someone else had another plan….

It’s nice, you know, to feel a little guidance as we navigate this uncharted part of our lives.

Thanks, Tony. I hope we’re making you proud.

DSC_0321

Fotor0508172814

 

 

 

Share this:

  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)

Related

4 Comments

Previous Post: « Friday 5(00)
Next Post: Living the Jet Set Life »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Trace says

    May 9, 2014 at 10:10 am

    Thanks Sami.

    Reply
  2. Adrian says

    May 9, 2014 at 6:05 pm

    Beautifully written Sami. The memory bears are wonderful gifts. Using his shirts and ties makes them even more special.

    Reply
  3. Pam says

    May 17, 2014 at 7:07 pm

    Sami this made me smile and cry at the same time. Hope you and Courtney know that Tony is missed every day by many.
    Love the bears Tina was telling me about them.

    Reply
  4. Deb says

    June 24, 2014 at 1:07 pm

    Samantha this was so beautifully written about Tony. I could so relate to your writing as my father passed away just four months prior to Tony on December 31st, 2012. Each day of those first 365 days are so very difficult. Every holiday, birth, wedding, birthday and so forth you constantly think of them always.
    I to have a bear made of my father’s shirts which will always be a comforting remembrance of his closeness. Tony’s grandchildren will treasure the beautiful bears and find comfort each and every day.
    Thank you for sharing as Tony was a very special person and friend who is missed dearly.

    Reply

Leave a Reply to Pam Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Hey there, I'm Samantha. Recovering SAHM, and aspiring competitive dance mom. I have a passion for travel, am known to say it like it is, and I most certainly do not have it all together. Currently on a journey toward self love and discovery. Join me. 2021 | Bloom

Latest from Instagram

NEW POST: Dear Samantha, We tend to speak to ours NEW POST: Dear Samantha,

We tend to speak to ourselves negatively. But, what can happen when you write nothing but good things to yourself?

I challenge you to do the same. Link in bio. 🤍

#cottentales #lifestyleblog #blogger #bloggerlife #momofgirls #momblogger #travelblogger #selflove #selfcare #lettertomyself #positivevibes #positivity #positiveenergy #loveyourself #motherhood #weightlossjourney #pelotonweightloss
NEW POST: Sunburn I challenged myself to be uncom NEW POST: Sunburn

I challenged myself to be uncomfortable this year. Sharing this? The real and raw? That's uncomfortable.

Link in bio. 🖤

#cottentales #blogger #bloggersofinstagram #lifestyleblog #momsofinstagram #momofgirls #momblogger #travelblogger #rosacea #selfconscious #selflove #real #empowerment #skincare #mentalhealth
NEW POST: Who are you? (link in bio) I'm looking NEW POST: Who are you? (link in bio)

I'm looking for others who feel like me. People who may have lost a piece of themselves, but are (or want to be) on a journey to re-design their lives. Let's have a book club, or dinner party, or even start an empowerment group for 30-somethings who forgot their favorite color.

Let's help each other grow. 🌿

#cottentales #lifestyleblogger #momsofinstagram #momblogger #blogger #mhn #selflove #selfcare #identity #30something #travelblog #momofgirls #blog #bloggersofinstagram
This is the difference a year makes. ⬇️ 30 l This is the difference a year makes. 

⬇️ 30 lbs. ⬆️ Healthy habits. ⬇️ 4 in. of hair. ⬆️ Strength. ➕ A tattoo & a ton of self love. 

I never knew I could be this person. I’m not super athletic. I have never dieted or counted calories. I never considered myself or my health. I always have watched other women make big physical changes in their lives, but I have never felt like I was capable to do the same.

If you’re reading this, and feel the same way I used to, trust me. 

You can. 💜

(1. January 2020, 2. June 2020 (100 rides), 3. January 2021 (200 rides))

#empoweringwomen #peloton #pelotonweightloss #pelotonbike #loveyourself #fitness #fitnessjourney #cottentales #blogger #momofgirls #momsofinstagram #momblogger #lifestyleblogger #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #selfcare #selflove #selflovejourney #pelotonmom #pelotoncommunity #lovesquad #boocrew #uncomfortable #bloom
NEW POST: What I've Found in the Dark Call it cli NEW POST: What I've Found in the Dark

Call it cliche, but I have a word to live by this year. If I'm being honest, it actually means a lot to me. I even have some semblance of "resolutions," which are really just mantras I plan to manifest into reality... and so far I think it's working.

What's your word for 2021? What are your goals, mantras, or resolutions for this year? Let me know in the comments. 🌸 Link in bio.

#cottentales #lifestyleblogger #mommyblogger #travelblogger #newyear #2021 #quitlikeawoman #momofgirls #blogger #bloggersofinstagram #momsofinstagram #bloom #bloomwhereyouareplanted #peloton #pelotonbike #resolutions #mantra #healthyhabits #newpost #blogging
L: 12/26/2019, aka my 32nd birthday R: 01/08/2021, L: 12/26/2019, aka my 32nd birthday
R: 01/08/2021, or today. 

My husband took that first photo. He was being nice, and trying to celebrate my birthday. I never told him I hated it. I looked heavy, because I was. My skin was terrible - red, broken out, etc. I was anxious, and stressed (ha! The days before 2020!), and it very obviously showed.

Today I’m in the best shape since high school, which blows my mind. I am actively working every day on my skincare, my mental health, and my reactions. Do I mess up? All the time. This week even, I made major mistakes that affect more than just myself. It’s a constant work, but it’s worth doing. 

I see growth. I see a woman who is starting to feel uncomfortable, and that’s a good thing. Whatever goals you have, or path you’re attempting to journey this year, keep going. Don’t let setbacks end your fight. You can do this. 💪🏻

(Also, both daughters saw me make this image this morning. Both thought I was pregnant in the photo on the left. I definitely was not.😳)

#selflove #selfcare #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #peloton #pelotonmoms #cottentales #blogger #lifestyleblogger #travelblogger #momsofinstagram #momofgirls #bloom #keepgoing #pelotonweightloss #loveyourself
Follow on Instagram

Follow Me

  • Bloglovin
  • Instagram
  • LinkedIn
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

Get $25 for Your Stitch Fix!

Stitch Fix

Categories

  • MY GIRLS
  • MOCO FIXER
  • STITCH FIX
NEW POST: Dear Samantha, We tend to speak to ours NEW POST: Dear Samantha,

We tend to speak to ourselves negatively. But, what can happen when you write nothing but good things to yourself?

I challenge you to do the same. Link in bio. 🤍

#cottentales #lifestyleblog #blogger #bloggerlife #momofgirls #momblogger #travelblogger #selflove #selfcare #lettertomyself #positivevibes #positivity #positiveenergy #loveyourself #motherhood #weightlossjourney #pelotonweightloss
NEW POST: Sunburn I challenged myself to be uncom NEW POST: Sunburn

I challenged myself to be uncomfortable this year. Sharing this? The real and raw? That's uncomfortable.

Link in bio. 🖤

#cottentales #blogger #bloggersofinstagram #lifestyleblog #momsofinstagram #momofgirls #momblogger #travelblogger #rosacea #selfconscious #selflove #real #empowerment #skincare #mentalhealth
NEW POST: Who are you? (link in bio) I'm looking NEW POST: Who are you? (link in bio)

I'm looking for others who feel like me. People who may have lost a piece of themselves, but are (or want to be) on a journey to re-design their lives. Let's have a book club, or dinner party, or even start an empowerment group for 30-somethings who forgot their favorite color.

Let's help each other grow. 🌿

#cottentales #lifestyleblogger #momsofinstagram #momblogger #blogger #mhn #selflove #selfcare #identity #30something #travelblog #momofgirls #blog #bloggersofinstagram
This is the difference a year makes. ⬇️ 30 l This is the difference a year makes. 

⬇️ 30 lbs. ⬆️ Healthy habits. ⬇️ 4 in. of hair. ⬆️ Strength. ➕ A tattoo & a ton of self love. 

I never knew I could be this person. I’m not super athletic. I have never dieted or counted calories. I never considered myself or my health. I always have watched other women make big physical changes in their lives, but I have never felt like I was capable to do the same.

If you’re reading this, and feel the same way I used to, trust me. 

You can. 💜

(1. January 2020, 2. June 2020 (100 rides), 3. January 2021 (200 rides))

#empoweringwomen #peloton #pelotonweightloss #pelotonbike #loveyourself #fitness #fitnessjourney #cottentales #blogger #momofgirls #momsofinstagram #momblogger #lifestyleblogger #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #selfcare #selflove #selflovejourney #pelotonmom #pelotoncommunity #lovesquad #boocrew #uncomfortable #bloom
NEW POST: What I've Found in the Dark Call it cli NEW POST: What I've Found in the Dark

Call it cliche, but I have a word to live by this year. If I'm being honest, it actually means a lot to me. I even have some semblance of "resolutions," which are really just mantras I plan to manifest into reality... and so far I think it's working.

What's your word for 2021? What are your goals, mantras, or resolutions for this year? Let me know in the comments. 🌸 Link in bio.

#cottentales #lifestyleblogger #mommyblogger #travelblogger #newyear #2021 #quitlikeawoman #momofgirls #blogger #bloggersofinstagram #momsofinstagram #bloom #bloomwhereyouareplanted #peloton #pelotonbike #resolutions #mantra #healthyhabits #newpost #blogging
L: 12/26/2019, aka my 32nd birthday R: 01/08/2021, L: 12/26/2019, aka my 32nd birthday
R: 01/08/2021, or today. 

My husband took that first photo. He was being nice, and trying to celebrate my birthday. I never told him I hated it. I looked heavy, because I was. My skin was terrible - red, broken out, etc. I was anxious, and stressed (ha! The days before 2020!), and it very obviously showed.

Today I’m in the best shape since high school, which blows my mind. I am actively working every day on my skincare, my mental health, and my reactions. Do I mess up? All the time. This week even, I made major mistakes that affect more than just myself. It’s a constant work, but it’s worth doing. 

I see growth. I see a woman who is starting to feel uncomfortable, and that’s a good thing. Whatever goals you have, or path you’re attempting to journey this year, keep going. Don’t let setbacks end your fight. You can do this. 💪🏻

(Also, both daughters saw me make this image this morning. Both thought I was pregnant in the photo on the left. I definitely was not.😳)

#selflove #selfcare #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #peloton #pelotonmoms #cottentales #blogger #lifestyleblogger #travelblogger #momsofinstagram #momofgirls #bloom #keepgoing #pelotonweightloss #loveyourself
Two years ago, Santa followed us to Eleuthera. Las Two years ago, Santa followed us to Eleuthera. Last year, we danced our way to 2020 on the island. Christmas just doesn’t feel the same this year without the ocean. 🌊

#whitesandchristmas #eleuthera #eleutherabahamas #bahamas #christmas #ocean #momofgirls #mommyblog #lifestyleblog #travelblogger #cottentales
Mentally, I’m here. 🌊 #eleuthera #bahamas # Mentally, I’m here. 🌊 

#eleuthera #bahamas #travelblogger #lifestyleblogger #momblogger #cottentales #travel #nye2019
This is 100 @onepeloton rides vs. 178. This is 159 This is 100 @onepeloton rides vs. 178. This is 159 lbs. vs. 129 lbs. This is broken and lost vs. strong and healing. 

I was so proud of myself in that first photo, and I’m still proud of that Samantha. Steps to a better you will slowly become strides. Thanks to her, now I’m taking flight. ❤️ #selflove #selfcare #peloton #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #pelotonweightloss #pelotonmom #momofgirls #lifestyleblogger #momsofinstagram #momblogger #loveyourself #cottentales
NEW POST: Rebranding Samantha I’m focusing a lo NEW POST: Rebranding Samantha

I’m focusing a lot of effort on self love and self discovery right now. But, just how am I perceived by the people around me? Audience determines your brand - what qualities are you projecting, and do they match how you want to be seen? Link in bio. 

#cottentales #personalbranding #rebranding #blogger #lifestyleblogger #mommyblogger #momofgirls #selflove #selfdiscovery #momblogger #travelblogger

Copyright © 2021 · Cotten Tales & Samantha Cotten