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Losing Yourself

Self Love

21 Sep

What happens when your life doesn’t go as planned?

My life has always gone in order. Or, at least, in the sequence that was expected of me. I graduated high school, and I went to college. I married my high school sweetheart. I got a real job, in the field of my degree. My husband and I bought a house, and then another… and then another. We had babies. I stayed home to raise them. I returned to the workforce when the girls were old enough, taking a job that best fit my family.

Predictable. Everything in my life has been the way “it should be.” I have been comfortable my entire life. Safe. I keep thinking back to a quote I saw recently that said, “Remember when you wanted what you currently have.” On paper, I’m living the dreams of 22 year old Samantha. My life, and the stability I currently have, was exactly my goal. Throw in a white picket fence and I have achieved what I thought I wanted.

But what happens when that changes? What happens when life presents you with a challenge you didn’t expect? What happens when you are blindsided with an alternate reality that you were blissfully unaware of, and you’re forced to re-evaluate?

That’s where I am, friends.

I’m going through some things right now. A lot of things, actually. I don’t want to share publicly, but I do want to write about what I’m feeling because I know I’m not alone. My life has flipped upside down recently, rather suddenly, and now for the first time I’m thinking about 42 year old Samantha. Who is she, and what does her life look like? Because if I’m being honest, I don’t have a plan for her just yet. It’s been a long time since I have had dreams of my own. Sad, right? It’s been a long time since I have even considered myself as an individual, or given myself the love I deserve. And now, when forced to take a deep look at who I am inside, its depressing to find that I have woefully neglected the person that should be at the top of my priority list.

Two months ago I was a shell of a person. Rock bottom is real, and I was there. I have grieved for many things in recent weeks, and continue to live in a rollercoaster of the stages. I have fallen apart over and over again. I have made myself feel, and be vulnerable, and rely on the support of people I love to help get me through each hour. I have prayed through tears in the shower every day. My heart physically hurts. It has not been pretty – because how could it be? Losing yourself is the easy part. Finding yourself is painful, and exhausting, and exposes your deepest flaws.

Finding yourself means healing wounds you weren’t even aware you had.

With a lot of self love and therapy, I have very slowly started to feel small parts of Samantha return. It’s not a quick process, and some times it is all I can do to simply function. I’m becoming stronger with every new day and new experience. I’m dreaming again. I’ve recognized my tribe, and how important they are to my mental health. I’m writing, and thinking, and committing quality time to myself… because what worth are love languages if I can’t first speak the language to myself?

Fight for what you believe in. Let your dreams grow. But, most importantly, don’t forget yourself in your own life.

“And somehow, after everything, she still bloomed in the way she was meant to.”

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  1. Jenny “Haniford” Long says

    September 21, 2020 at 6:21 pm

    Oh my goodness Samantha!
    You have no clue how much this speaks to me, and speaks to me on such a deep, deep level. I have no clue what you’re currently going through, and I know we’ve not been close, but please reach out if you need! Even if it’s just needing someone to set quietly with you. This year has totally been one for the books for me, I’ve slowly started making my troubles known in hopes that it may be someone else’s survival guide. You are and have always been beautiful on the inside and the outside. I’ll pray for you! God has blessed me with your writing and I hope it will others as well! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for sharing!

    Reply
  2. Brian Bartlett says

    September 21, 2020 at 6:42 pm

    Sami, I have and always will love you. For I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You are a dear student that grew into a fine woman in whom I trust and admire.

    In His service
    Brian Bartlett

    Reply

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  1. What I’ve Found in the Dark | Cotten Tales says:
    January 11, 2021 at 4:00 pm

    […] the last several months have been the most challenging time of my life so far. From multiple personal battles, to the death of my last remaining grandparent, to testing positive for […]

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Primary Sidebar

Hey there, I'm Samantha. Recovering SAHM, and aspiring competitive dance mom. I have a passion for travel, am known to say it like it is, and I most certainly do not have it all together. Currently on a journey toward self love and discovery. Join me. 2021 | Bloom

Latest from Instagram

This is the difference a year makes. ⬇️ 30 l This is the difference a year makes. 

⬇️ 30 lbs. ⬆️ Healthy habits. ⬇️ 4 in. of hair. ⬆️ Strength. ➕ A tattoo & a ton of self love. 

I never knew I could be this person. I’m not super athletic. I have never dieted or counted calories. I never considered myself or my health. I always have watched other women make big physical changes in their lives, but I have never felt like I was capable to do the same.

If you’re reading this, and feel the same way I used to, trust me. 

You can. 💜

(1. January 2020, 2. June 2020 (100 rides), 3. January 2021 (200 rides))

#empoweringwomen #peloton #pelotonweightloss #pelotonbike #loveyourself #fitness #fitnessjourney #cottentales #blogger #momofgirls #momsofinstagram #momblogger #lifestyleblogger #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #selfcare #selflove #selflovejourney #pelotonmom #pelotoncommunity #lovesquad #boocrew #uncomfortable #bloom
NEW POST: What I've Found in the Dark Call it cli NEW POST: What I've Found in the Dark

Call it cliche, but I have a word to live by this year. If I'm being honest, it actually means a lot to me. I even have some semblance of "resolutions," which are really just mantras I plan to manifest into reality... and so far I think it's working.

What's your word for 2021? What are your goals, mantras, or resolutions for this year? Let me know in the comments. 🌸 Link in bio.

#cottentales #lifestyleblogger #mommyblogger #travelblogger #newyear #2021 #quitlikeawoman #momofgirls #blogger #bloggersofinstagram #momsofinstagram #bloom #bloomwhereyouareplanted #peloton #pelotonbike #resolutions #mantra #healthyhabits #newpost #blogging
L: 12/26/2019, aka my 32nd birthday R: 01/08/2021, L: 12/26/2019, aka my 32nd birthday
R: 01/08/2021, or today. 

My husband took that first photo. He was being nice, and trying to celebrate my birthday. I never told him I hated it. I looked heavy, because I was. My skin was terrible - red, broken out, etc. I was anxious, and stressed (ha! The days before 2020!), and it very obviously showed.

Today I’m in the best shape since high school, which blows my mind. I am actively working every day on my skincare, my mental health, and my reactions. Do I mess up? All the time. This week even, I made major mistakes that affect more than just myself. It’s a constant work, but it’s worth doing. 

I see growth. I see a woman who is starting to feel uncomfortable, and that’s a good thing. Whatever goals you have, or path you’re attempting to journey this year, keep going. Don’t let setbacks end your fight. You can do this. 💪🏻

(Also, both daughters saw me make this image this morning. Both thought I was pregnant in the photo on the left. I definitely was not.😳)

#selflove #selfcare #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #peloton #pelotonmoms #cottentales #blogger #lifestyleblogger #travelblogger #momsofinstagram #momofgirls #bloom #keepgoing #pelotonweightloss #loveyourself
Two years ago, Santa followed us to Eleuthera. Las Two years ago, Santa followed us to Eleuthera. Last year, we danced our way to 2020 on the island. Christmas just doesn’t feel the same this year without the ocean. 🌊

#whitesandchristmas #eleuthera #eleutherabahamas #bahamas #christmas #ocean #momofgirls #mommyblog #lifestyleblog #travelblogger #cottentales
Mentally, I’m here. 🌊 #eleuthera #bahamas # Mentally, I’m here. 🌊 

#eleuthera #bahamas #travelblogger #lifestyleblogger #momblogger #cottentales #travel #nye2019
This is 100 @onepeloton rides vs. 178. This is 159 This is 100 @onepeloton rides vs. 178. This is 159 lbs. vs. 129 lbs. This is broken and lost vs. strong and healing. 

I was so proud of myself in that first photo, and I’m still proud of that Samantha. Steps to a better you will slowly become strides. Thanks to her, now I’m taking flight. ❤️ #selflove #selfcare #peloton #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #pelotonweightloss #pelotonmom #momofgirls #lifestyleblogger #momsofinstagram #momblogger #loveyourself #cottentales
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This is the difference a year makes. ⬇️ 30 l This is the difference a year makes. 

⬇️ 30 lbs. ⬆️ Healthy habits. ⬇️ 4 in. of hair. ⬆️ Strength. ➕ A tattoo & a ton of self love. 

I never knew I could be this person. I’m not super athletic. I have never dieted or counted calories. I never considered myself or my health. I always have watched other women make big physical changes in their lives, but I have never felt like I was capable to do the same.

If you’re reading this, and feel the same way I used to, trust me. 

You can. 💜

(1. January 2020, 2. June 2020 (100 rides), 3. January 2021 (200 rides))

#empoweringwomen #peloton #pelotonweightloss #pelotonbike #loveyourself #fitness #fitnessjourney #cottentales #blogger #momofgirls #momsofinstagram #momblogger #lifestyleblogger #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #selfcare #selflove #selflovejourney #pelotonmom #pelotoncommunity #lovesquad #boocrew #uncomfortable #bloom
NEW POST: What I've Found in the Dark Call it cli NEW POST: What I've Found in the Dark

Call it cliche, but I have a word to live by this year. If I'm being honest, it actually means a lot to me. I even have some semblance of "resolutions," which are really just mantras I plan to manifest into reality... and so far I think it's working.

What's your word for 2021? What are your goals, mantras, or resolutions for this year? Let me know in the comments. 🌸 Link in bio.

#cottentales #lifestyleblogger #mommyblogger #travelblogger #newyear #2021 #quitlikeawoman #momofgirls #blogger #bloggersofinstagram #momsofinstagram #bloom #bloomwhereyouareplanted #peloton #pelotonbike #resolutions #mantra #healthyhabits #newpost #blogging
L: 12/26/2019, aka my 32nd birthday R: 01/08/2021, L: 12/26/2019, aka my 32nd birthday
R: 01/08/2021, or today. 

My husband took that first photo. He was being nice, and trying to celebrate my birthday. I never told him I hated it. I looked heavy, because I was. My skin was terrible - red, broken out, etc. I was anxious, and stressed (ha! The days before 2020!), and it very obviously showed.

Today I’m in the best shape since high school, which blows my mind. I am actively working every day on my skincare, my mental health, and my reactions. Do I mess up? All the time. This week even, I made major mistakes that affect more than just myself. It’s a constant work, but it’s worth doing. 

I see growth. I see a woman who is starting to feel uncomfortable, and that’s a good thing. Whatever goals you have, or path you’re attempting to journey this year, keep going. Don’t let setbacks end your fight. You can do this. 💪🏻

(Also, both daughters saw me make this image this morning. Both thought I was pregnant in the photo on the left. I definitely was not.😳)

#selflove #selfcare #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #peloton #pelotonmoms #cottentales #blogger #lifestyleblogger #travelblogger #momsofinstagram #momofgirls #bloom #keepgoing #pelotonweightloss #loveyourself
Two years ago, Santa followed us to Eleuthera. Las Two years ago, Santa followed us to Eleuthera. Last year, we danced our way to 2020 on the island. Christmas just doesn’t feel the same this year without the ocean. 🌊

#whitesandchristmas #eleuthera #eleutherabahamas #bahamas #christmas #ocean #momofgirls #mommyblog #lifestyleblog #travelblogger #cottentales
Mentally, I’m here. 🌊 #eleuthera #bahamas # Mentally, I’m here. 🌊 

#eleuthera #bahamas #travelblogger #lifestyleblogger #momblogger #cottentales #travel #nye2019
This is 100 @onepeloton rides vs. 178. This is 159 This is 100 @onepeloton rides vs. 178. This is 159 lbs. vs. 129 lbs. This is broken and lost vs. strong and healing. 

I was so proud of myself in that first photo, and I’m still proud of that Samantha. Steps to a better you will slowly become strides. Thanks to her, now I’m taking flight. ❤️ #selflove #selfcare #peloton #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #pelotonweightloss #pelotonmom #momofgirls #lifestyleblogger #momsofinstagram #momblogger #loveyourself #cottentales
NEW POST: Rebranding Samantha I’m focusing a lo NEW POST: Rebranding Samantha

I’m focusing a lot of effort on self love and self discovery right now. But, just how am I perceived by the people around me? Audience determines your brand - what qualities are you projecting, and do they match how you want to be seen? Link in bio. 

#cottentales #personalbranding #rebranding #blogger #lifestyleblogger #mommyblogger #momofgirls #selflove #selfdiscovery #momblogger #travelblogger
I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for alway I’ll love you forever.
I’ll like you for always.
As long as I’m living,
My baby you’ll be. ❤️

My baby turns 7 today, which feels unbelievable in many ways. Dorothy Laura, you make me so proud to be your mommy. 

#dbunny #cottentales #lifestyleblogger #momsofinstagram #momblogger #momofgirls #birthday #7yearsold #firstborn
If I have a life half as full as my grandfather’ If I have a life half as full as my grandfather’s, it will be enough. 

We lost 94 years of memories today, and even though we knew this day was coming it doesn’t make it easier. I’m just so glad my girls could know and love their Papaw Great. 

RIP, Upe. 💛
Have courage, and be kind. ✨ #waltdisneyworld # Have courage, and be kind. ✨

#waltdisneyworld #magickingdom #cinderella #cottentales #cottensisters #lifestyleblogger #momsofinstagram #momblogger #momofgirls #travelblogger #disneysmmc #fallbreak2020 #spontaneous

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