This weekend I was described as “doom and gloom.” And a “Debbie downer.”
I have a bestie who doesn’t have kids and isn’t so certain she ever wants to procreate. Her husband, on the other hand? He would have a basketball team by now if he had his way. This weekend we were talking about pregnancy, when her husband stopped me and said:
“Don’t tell her that! You’ll scare her and we’ll never have kids!”
I didn’t know a conversation about having to go pee every 10 minutes in your third trimester would be so frightening, but apparently men think it is.
You see, I don’t think I’m negative at all. I’m just being truthful. I tend to tell it how I see it when it comes to pregnancy, child birth and parenting, because if we’re being honest – it’s mostly not all sunshine and rainbows. A lot of the time it’s exhausting, painful and frankly, gross.
And I kind of wish someone would have have told me what ACTUALLY to expect, instead of the crap in that book by the same title.
So, today I’m sharing with you 13 ACTUAL Things to Expect During Pregnancy. You’re welcome.
1. Don’t always trust the pregnancy test. One day you may have the feeling of, “man, I feel pregnant today,” and you’ll decide to take a test. And it might be negative. That doesn’t mean you’re not pregnant. You see, you just might not be far enough along for the pregnancy to register with your Walgreens pee stick. Trust me. I thought I was pregnant for a week before I saw two lines.
That’s what you get when you buy cheap pregnancy tests (but dang, those things are expensive!)
2. Your feet may actually get bigger… and stay that way. Something about hormones and the loosening of your joints in preparation to push a kid out, but it does happen. My feet are a 1/2 size larger than they used to be, which is just fantastic when you plan to wear a certain pair of heels and are halfway out the door when you realize that there’s no way in hell that you can go even five minutes in these stupid size 6’s.
Good news? You get to buy all new shoes for your new gigantic feet! (see? I’m not doomy and gloomy at all!)
3. You may have morning sickness. Or you may be sick all day long. Or you may not get sick at all. It’s unpredictable. Don’t waste your time thinking about it before you get knocked up. I was lucky in that I never had morning sickness with Dorothy, but brushing my teeth during my third trimester made me retch. You just never know.
4. You will want to eat the strangest things. Sure, you all know about the pickles and ice cream, but have you ever ordered 20 McNuggets FOR YOURSELF!? More than once in a week!? At 41 weeks pregnant, I made my husband go get me a gas station slushy at like 9 p.m. even though we thought I might be in labor. I needed one that bad.The cravings are that relentless. My advice? Just give in to them.
5. At first you will think you’re the exception to needing to pee every 10 minutes, but you will be wrong. Those babies. At some point they’ll find your bladder and begin training for the World Cup.
6. Your stomach will move. A lot. I remember sitting in a work meeting, and it was obvious that everyone was trying not to stare at my stomach. It seriously looks like an alien is trying to bust it’s way out.
7. You’ll be starving, but will only be able to eat three bites of your meal. When your stomach is pretty much in your throat, there’s not much room for anything else (other than heartburn).
8. You will be dealing with dramatic change for 9 months. Everyone around you will only get on board during the last few weeks. Like, “Oh yeah! You’re not just getting fat!” I’m convinced that childbirth class is only for the benefit of the men, because by that point you will have completely educated yourself about the process that is about to take place. No one is more worried about getting that kid out than you.
9. You will get fat. Yeah, yeah, it’s all baby, but it won’t feel that way to you. I gained 40 lbs. with Dorothy, and at the time I thought that was pretty good. Except now when I look back at photos of myself, I can’t believe how freaking gigantic I was. And none of you told me!
Don’t worry, though – you’ll lose the weight. It will either be by way of breastfeeding, exercise, or being so busy with a newborn that you don’t have time to eat at all. The third one was me.
10. There will come a day when nothing fits. Not even your maternity clothes (which, by the way, are ugly and expensive). Pray that’s the day you go into labor, because life just gets hard after that. Also, just buy a belly band and rock your normal clothes as long as you can.
11. You won’t care who’s down there. I have friends who refuse to go to the gynecologist because they don’t want anyone between their legs. I’m here to tell you that by the time you’re 40 weeks pregnant, modesty will be a thing of the past. You’ll practically invite the doctor, nurse, med student, and anyone in the waiting room in if they have an idea on how to get the baby out.
12. You’ll over think everything. Most of the things you register for, you’ll never use (see diaper genie). You’ll pack WAY TOO MUCH to take with you to the hospital (you really only need a set of clothes to wear home). You’ll read far too many pregnancy boards (stay away from the What To Expect boards… that’s where the crazy people live). Just take a deep breath, and let your instincts guide you. You have more knowledge than you think.
13. There are some highlights. Your hair and nails will never look better. Your skin will actually glow. You get to eat what you want (kind of) and sleep when you want, and not one person will judge you. You get to park in the expectant/mothers with small children parking spot at the store. You get to shop for baby clothes, and pick out nursery decor (and someone else will paint it for you!). Oh, and at the end of the day, you get to go home with a snuggly little bundle that wakes you up every two hours and poops its pants.
That’s pretty worth it, in my opinion.
What would you tell a childless friend about pregnancy? Give me your best pregnancy advice. Would you want all the information going in? Really, though. I’m not all doom and gloom, am I?
I think you left out all the wonderful things that happen to the girls up top. Soreness, growing, itching, and then of course the way they turn out in the end…lopsided among other things. How is that for “doom and gloom”
Samantha Cotten says
Kristin, I just love you.
Pregnancy helped me to understand obesity. Truly. I gained 34 pounds, but it may as well have been 100. By the time I had three weeks left to go and could only fit into two T-shirts, I was like fuck it, what’s a whole sleeve of cookies anyway? And every time I tried on something that didn’t fit, I’m confident an angel lost its wings.
I once made my husband get me fries from Burger King and tacos from Taco Bell because I needed to eat them together. Insanity.